GILL AND GWEN
(On the stage are two huge flowerpots, concealing the persons inside, and the frontage of a large flower trough is to one side, concealing the flowers from the audience. At the front of the stage, to the right is a large flipboard, on each page of which are flower-pot person translations shown in the script in capital letters. The Narrator stands front left of the stage)
NARRATOR: Once upon a time there was a little house. And all around the house was a beautiful garden. And at the bottom of the garden was a place where Cliff, the man who worked in the garden, left his things while he went into the house to have his dinner. One day, while he went into have his lunch, he’d left a seed box and an old pair of boots he was going to mend. And there were the flower pots ..... two little ones, two middle sized ones, and two great big ones. And just behind the big flower pots was a little weed.
WEED: Weee-eeed! (HELLO EVERYONE MY NAME IS WEED)
NARRATOR: And there they all were, laying quietly in the sunshine. The little weed looked all about him. And when he saw that everything was quiet, he knocked gently on one of the flower pots and said,
WEED: Weee-eeed! Weee-eeed! (COME ON YOU LAZY THING IT’S TIME TO GET UP)
NARRATOR: But the little flowerpot – person was fast asleep, and she didn’t hear so he had to knock again.
WEED: Weee-eeed! (OI! YOU LAZY SO-AND-SO, GET UP, NOW!)
NARRATOR: Then the little flowerpot-person awoke, yawning and stretching. And she only had time say ...................
GILL: Ah habbab littop weed. (AH HELLO YOU WEED)
NARRATOR: Before he popped down and went to sleep again. The little weed laughed.
WEED: Weee-eeee-eee-eee-eed. (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
NARRATOR: Then he knocked on the other big flowerpot.
WEED: Weee-eeed. Weee-eeed!
(WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU, LAZY-BONES, ARE YOU GOING TO GET UP?)
NARRATOR: But the other flowerpot-person was asleep, too, so she didn’t hear, so he had to knock again.
WEED: Weee-eeed! Weee-eeed! (FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! GET UP YOU LAZY TOAD!)
NARRATOR: The flowerpot-person awoke and HE came up, yawing and stretching and he just had time to say .....
GWEN: Ah habbabb littop weed. (GOODNESS GRACOUS, YOU LOOK UGLY THIS MORNING)
NARRATOR: Before she popped down and went back to sleep again…. And all was quiet and drowsy in the sunshine. Then the little weed knocked again on both the flowerpots.
WEED: Weee-eeed! Weee-eeed!
(IF YOU DON’T GET UP NOW YOU TWO I’LL GET CLIFF TO COME AND SING TO YOU)
NARRATOR: By the way he called, the little flowerpot-persons knew that he thought they were lazy little things, and ought to get up, so up they popped together
GILL: A bab-a bab fa-lab a abab a diddle bab a dadaba fibble-ob
(WHAT THE HECK'S THE MATTER WITH THIS WEED, WAKING US UP LIKE THIS?)
(QUITE! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. HE REALLY IS A WEED!)
GILL: Biddle fabab ah babalabaff ih dibble-bib a fabab.
(DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT OUR SLEEP IS TO US TEENAGERS?)
NARRATOR: Then they looked around to see what Cliff, the man in the garden, had left them to play with. And they couldn’t see anything so they began to grumble.
GILL: Nnnn abab ikkle min a weebib bible niggle babab ibble bib.Teewa in a fickle hibbib a hin dib nibble .
(TOTALLY UNTRANSLATABLE BUT CERTAINLY QUITE RUDE.)
GWEN: Nob. Nobbib ot oll.
NARRATOR: And they were just thinking of going back to bed when they heard the weed calling.
WEED: Weee-eeed! Weee-eeed!
GILL: Wob Bob –e- bob?
WEED: Weee-eeed, weee-eeed, weee-eeed!
(BUT THERE IS SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH. YOU LOOK AGAIN.)
NARRATOR: But all they could see was the pair of boots that Cliff was going to mend in the afternoon. And they couldn’t see what they could do with an old pair of boots. So they came out grumbling.
GILL: Bloopib. Hab bloopib. Wab ibble wib a pobbob bloop?
(BOOTS, JUST BOOTS! WHAT ON EARTH CAN WE DO WITH A PAIR OF BOOTS?)
GWEN: Yob, quob rob! (YES, QUITE RIGHT!)
GILL: Bloop! Ah hoddob bob iffilli ribble bloop-haba rab nob weee-eeed!
(BOOTS! A ROTTEN PAIR OF FILTHY DIRTY BOOTS. TRULY I CAN THINK OF SOME UNPLEASANT THINGS TO DO THIS APTLY-NAMED WEED!)
GWEN: Sobbob blob. (SO CAN I!)
NARRATOR: So they went on walking grumpily about, saying “boots, boots, nothing but boots!”
SONG: Bloop, bloop, nobbledy bloop! Bloop, bloop, nobbledy bloop! Bloop, bloop, nobbledy bloop! Bloop….Bloop….Bloop….Bloop
GWEN: Darrrrr! (OH DEAR ME I AM A LITTLE CHEESED OFF WITH THIS)
NARRATOR: And while they were sitting there, feeling ever so cross, and grumpy, one of the boots suddenly tipped one of them off.
GILL: Ooh, waddi-woddob? (OOH, WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT?)
NARRATOR: She was most surprised and couldn’t think who’d done it. But the other flowerpot- person thought it was very funny.
GWEN: Oh, hoh, hoh, hoh, very flobbob, hoh, hoh, very flobbob. It was de bloop!
Hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, de bloop!
NARRATOR: Then the other boot lifted itself so high that the other flowerpot-person fell right off.
GWEN: Ooh! Waddi-woddob?
NARRATOR: And then it was the other flowerpot-person’s turn to laugh.
GILL: Oh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh.
NARRATOR: And he laughed and laughed. Soon the other one joined in. And before long they were both singing and dancing.
SONG: Bloop, bloop, foddle-de bloop! Bloop, bloop, foddle-de bloop! Bloop, foddle-de bloop! Blooop…….blooooop! Bloop, bloop, foddle-de bloop! Bloop, bloop, foddle-de bloop! Bloop, bloop, foddle-de bloop! Blooop…….blooooop!
NARRATOR: Then they asked the boots if they would like to play with them.
GILL: Wod de toddle a doop?
GWEN: Oh, do pedoddle.
NARRATOR: And the boots said, “Yes.” (PAUSE) ........ And the boots said “Yes.” Well anyway, the two little flowerpot-persons got inside them and they decided to have a race.
GILL: Leddle hob a bloop rob. (LET’S HAVE A BOOT RACE)
GWEN: Hob. A bloop rob! Ah, a gloop ahbleep. (WHAT A GOOD IDEA)
GILL: Ah, hab de bloop. (AH, IN WE GET)
GWEN: Ah, hab de bloop. (AH, IN WE GET)
GILL: Ah, hoh do roddle? (ARE YOU READY?)
GWEN: Roddle cop-e-bobbob. (READY AS I’LL EVER BE)
NARRATOR: The little row of flowers that had been planted by Cliff in the seed- box, had heard them both laughing. They all sprang up to see what was happening. And they all got very excited and started dancing about, calling out “Who’s going to win? Who’s going to win?”
GILL: Wob, tob, throb! (GWEN CHEATS!!)
Ob, wed a mibbib, wed a mibbib. Cob blob. Cob Blob.
(WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, COME BACK! COME BACK!)
GWEN: Ob, obrob. (OH, ALRIGHT)
GILL: Wob, tob, throb, gob. Ooooh-hooh-hoooh-hoooh!
GWEN: Ooooh-hooooh-hoooh-hooooh, wob fob. (WHAT FUN!)
NARRATOR: And away they went.
GILL: Clobbob bloop. (CLEVER BOOTS!)
GWEN: Clobbob bloop. (CLEVER BOOTS!)
NARRATOR: But one of them went so fast she couldn’t stop to turn round. The other one thought she was going to win the race. But just when it seemed she had won it, the other one come out of nowhere and won just at the last moment
(THE FLOWERS CHEER THE WINER)
Now, the little weed had been watching all this time and he knew who had won the race. Listen, he’s got something to ask you.
WEED (SINGS): Was it Gill or was it Gwen, won the old boot race just then. Which of those two flowerpot-persons? Was it Gill or was it Gwen?
NARRATOR: Do you know? Listen again. (WEED SINGS THE SONG ONCE MORE)
NARRATOR: Well, which one was it? Gill or Gwen?……..It was Gwen! It was Gwen! ....... So they both got out of the boots. They thought it had been so funny to play with the boots that they laughed and laughed and laughed.
GILL: Oh hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh.
GWEN: Oh hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh.
NARRATOR: The little flowers joined in as well. Just then, a little girl appeared. Her name was Alice and she looked very lost. (ENTER ALICE)
ALICE: Hello, can you help me? I’m trying to find my way to the Queen’s croquet garden.
GILL & GWEN: Wob? The Quob’s Crobbob Gobbob? Nob wib hob nob eedob!
(WHAT THE QUEEN’S CROQUET GARDEN? WE HAVE NO IDEA!)
ALICE: What’s the idea, can’t you speak English?
GILL: Oh, wob a flobbob liddle glob. Shib cobbob spib glob-glob!
(OH, WHAT A FUNNY LITTLE GIRL! SHE CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH!)
GWEN: Og da liddle weeb! (POINTS TO THE WEED)
(ASK THAT LITTLE WEED)
ALICE (TO THE WEED): Excuse me. Do you know way to the Queen’s croquet garden?
WEED: Certainly, luv. Straight over there in that direction. But what’s your 'urry?
ALICE: Well, I’ve got to get there to play croquet with the Queen of Hearts.
WEED: Oh, I see. Weee-eeeed, weeee-eeeed.
(HEY, YOU TWO, YOU’LL LOVE THIS. SHE’S GOING TO PLAY CROQUET WITH THE QUEEN OF HEARTS.)
(THE FLOWERPOT-PERSONS LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AND FALL ABOUT. THE FLOWERS JOIN IN.)
ALICE: Why are they all laughing?
WEED: Oh, don’t worry about it, luv. It’s the time of year. They’re BLOOMING mad, especially the flowers. Why don’t you have a little dance with them? It’ll make their day. Weee-eee-eeed. (DO YOUR DANCE WITH HER NOW, YOU TWO.)
(GILL AND GWEN APPROACH ALICE AND TAKE A HAND EACH. MUSIC STARTS AND THEY BEGIN TO DANCE.)
GILL: Oom pop pop oom pop pop!
GWEN: Foddle oddle oddle lob. Oom pop pop oom pop pop
GILL: Foddle oddle oddle lob. Oom pop pop oom pop pop
GWEN: Foddle oddle oddle lob. Oom pop pop oom pop pop
GILL: Foddle oddle oddle lob.
NARRATOR: What a lovely little dance. Shall we hear it again?
(DANCE IS REPEATED TWICE WITH AN INSTUMENTAL BETWEEN VERSES. THE FLOWERPOT-PERSONS FALL ABOUT LAUGHING AGAIN.)
ALICE: Thankyou both very much. I enjoyed that. But I must be going.
WEED: If you drop by a bit later, luv, we’ll be doing an ice dance you might to join us in. Taddaah. (LOOKS ROUND) Cor blimey! Cliff’s coming back, you’d better scarper.
ALICE: Alright, thankyou. Good-bye. (EXIT ALICE)
WEED: Weee-eee-eeed! (OI, YOU TWO, CLIFF’S COMING BACK, HURRY, HE MUSTN’T SEE YOU)
GWEN: Oh, wib mob hobbob. (WE MUST HURRY)
GILL: Yeb, wib mob. (YES WE MUST)
NARRATOR: First they said goodbye to the flowers.
GILL & GWEN: Ob, bobbob libob flobbob. (GOODBYE YOU WEEDS)
(THE LITTLE FLOWERS SHAKE AND WAVE BEFORE DISAPPEARING.)
NARRATOR: Then they say goodbye to the boots and thanked them for playing.
GILL & GWEN: Ob, bobbob libbob bloop. Thobbob fob plobbob.
NARRATOR: Then they hurried back to get into their flowerpots and said good-bye to each other.
NARRATOR: Then they said goodbye to the little weed.
GILL: Bobbob littob weed.
GWEN: Bobbob littob weed.
NARRATOR: And the little weed stayed quietly in between the flowerpots and went fast asleep. And there they all were laying quietly in the sunshine. But Cliff, the man who worked in the garden never knew what happened. Nobody knew about the flowerpot- persons. Only you saw them playing. And the little weed. And I think the little house knew something about it, don’t chew?
(SONG: GOODBYE GILL, GOODBYE GWEN, GILL AND GWEN, GILL AND GWEN, FLOWERPOT-PERSONS………………………..)